Still have the chance to breathe this refreshing tranquilizing air though possibly My Creator could at anytime call me upon Him,lying down in the darkness of my own grave..
SAYA IHTIRAM KAMU!
Back when I was still in my secondary school,there were not many people I had befriend with.And alhamdulillah I was very aware that Allah granted me with a very brave heart to be just as plain as myself and alhamdulillah the essence of innocence in me was being replaced by mere but all-of-us-should-have-things;common sense!Many would have always seen we were doing things together;me and Azni Nabela.And at this instance,I was wondering have I ever be of any good friend at least to her,whom I regard as my best friend!
Few years have I gone through and I was reluctant to see the darkest side of them as my failures but to bear them as lessons to be pondered upon when I embark my journey of life as His slave.
I met a lot of people,each of them is Allah's Greatest Gift towards me and I learned a lot in this journey.A lot of things to make me realize the importance of applying your basic Islamic studies;the easiest subject to have a go and voila you would easily get a perfect score just by memorizing them!But,life is like a roller-coaster,you will masterly not fathom this simple concept as it is a piece of cake!
Yeah,a piece of cake indeed but what matters the most is how you live your life to the fullest!These few days,I think a lot as I did my revision for my exams which I as a mere human being,always commit the same mistakes and I regret them very-very much.May Allah Forgives me for my wrongdoings and give me a chance to redeem myself,to be much better person from before.Allah,have pity on me please?I know I have wronged You in many possible ways but it is not a sin to seek your Kindness,Your Love and Understanding..
And yesterday,as I was walking down the road with Illiyyin,there was a big-blue bin lying,faced-down on earth waiting for any creatures to help 'it' regained its initial position so that anyone (passer-by) won't find it hard to walk in the pavement on the side of the Filey Road.Only a very simple deeds of good would not harmed us,stop yourself there and reaching our your two-hands which Allah has blessed all of us with and then lower down your body to the bin's level,and grab it with your hands and pushed it to its position should-be.Easy does it..
I was very touched by Umar Al-Faruq's as he quoted a saying that went like this:
Taqwa is like you are walking in the thorny paths,you make sure your clothes,any single part of you be it your shoes,your bare skin,you named it,to not having a single contact with the thorns.
I forgot who is the perawi (hermm,want to polish my vocabulary after this~)of this hadith but I was determined that I want to learn beyond mastery.O Allah please make it easy for us and for me in our struggling to be a faithful servant of You!
By the way I like Umar very much as if if he does exist in my time,Iwant to get married to him!No kidding,I am still in love with him since in secondary school.When I heard stories about him,my heart is filled with an ample amount of adoration and admiration as I strolled down his past time,he started against the words of Muhammad Rasulullah SAW but with Allah's bless,He was showered with His Lights till he came to his position as we were told in lots of Sirah's books,a man who had the ability to reside between haq and batil-Al Faruq..
And still not remembering which verses in the Quran,Allah said that He will bless us with the ability to tell between haq and batil if we are in the position of possessing taqwa towards Allah!!
CAME TO MYSELF
And I believe I was and am the last person on Earth lining in the queue with reference to my deeds and when I think about this,I hate myself even more and more..
I did study Islam,haram and halal,I know those things,but when I looked back,I asked myself bluntly,what have I done to nurture Islamic teachings in me,NOTE in ME?!!
A sinusoidal graph had I plotted to demonstrate on my faith fluctuations~~ (this is the basic graph of mortal like me;many downs than ups as I know myself)
I feel helpless right now,thinking of how I wish to return to the earlier time and undone many things that dirtied my precious heart and hands,not to commit any sins just to hide your faults from others,not to be of bad image to His Religion..
How I wishh...
How I wish to practice itsar,the ultimate level of silaturrahim,ukhwah though very often,to be a big-hearted person is very challenging itself,to simply cover your feelings and acts like nothing happen.For me that is not a mere act of hypocrisy as to not being as a Muslim by conducting any laws unparallel to Islamic teachings is HYPOCRITE!
What laws did you learned to just simply work your way to any direction WITHOUT analysing the nature of the road or path you will be taken;is there any obstacles there for example a girl,so that you won't by accident stumbled into her by slightly pushing her or only in a range of nanoinches to her where you can feel her coat or clothes for example.I hate this situation and how I wish I will be able to get out of this heart-sickening situation!
And to be in the front row in lecture hall is so amazing but the thoughts of having to sit closer to guys always put me in jeopardy as I have to be in my best behaviour as a muslim girl but I know that was far from the truth and I hate myself,I hate myself ,till I purposely slap my face many times as a punishment!And the thicker coats we were wearing will always never failed to amaze me as if they were SOO GIGANTIC till you will get a score of 100 % perfectly for successfully keeping your records of brushing against others' coats,clothes and other things,which are in the same species with these!
O Allah my heart suffered a lot,my nafs is enjoying all of this but my poor little iman is too weak even a word,would it be unable to blurt.Allah,please save me from my evil desire as I am too weak to conquer it.Only You,Allah can help me in this battle,jihad besar fighting against my monstrous,worldly-bounty devouring desire..
What will You think of me ya Allah??I wonder in my own thoughts..
"Barangsiapa Allah menginginkan kebaikan buatnya,Allah akan mengurniakan kefahaman (dalam agama) buat dirinya" (al-hadis)
O Allah,kurniakan kami kefahaman dalam agama,kefaqihan ke atas feqah yang kami pelajari di sekolah dahulu supaya kami dapat membumikan jati diri seorang Muslim sejati di atas bumi-Mu ini ya Allah.Bantulah kami insan lemah yang tidak mampu walau sedikitpun to totally mengawal nafsu kami wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang..